Thursday, August 27, 2009

to be thin or not to be thin

Alright that was a lame title, hopefully I'll come up with something better. But it is something I've been struggling with since I turned eighteen or so.
I've always been slim. When I was a kid I was downright skinny, and tall for my age too, which made it more noticeable. Now that my metabolism has slowed down a bit, I'm approaching more of an average weight, and for some reason it really bothers me.
I keep remembering when I was sixteen and I got horribly sick and lost eleven pounds so that i weighed one hundred and nineteen pounds, which, at five-foot-eight is not remarkable, but was the least I had ever weighed at my full grown height.
Ever since then I have wish-washed between wanting to be happy and wanting to be thin. I go through phases when I am very unhappy with myself, and I work out so much that I do end up losing weight. The problem is that clothes fit better when I am thinner, and no matter how I try to convince myself, I just feel more attractive when I weigh less.
Currently I am in a minimal working out phase, which means I still do yoga and ride my bike to school and work, but avoid actually intentionally exercising. But I can tell that another workout phase is coming soon because I am feeling very unhappy with how I look right now.
I just wish that I could either keep a solid exercise schedule, or could just be happy with my body and not feel the need to be thin. Realistically I weigh probably 135 right now, which is by no means an unhealthy weight for my height. On the contrary, I eat pretty well and while I don't intentionally work out, I get enough exercise to be deemed healthy.
I can only hope that as I get older I will get more comfortable with myself, and can eventually be happy to be healthy, even if I am not skinny.

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